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Aug 12 2010
Take a Hint

By Jared Broderick, on 13-08-2010 04:17

Views : 1270    

have come to the conclusion, that I hate having to “take a hint”. I would rather someone come right out and tell me how they feel, rather than I play a guessing game and attempt to decipher the complexities of their mind. I have had two different experiences this past month that have solidified this thought. One was a co-worker/employee who was mad at me for, in his mind, dealing a low blow while seeking guidance and information. I didn’t feel like I was dealing him a low blow… but he perceived it as such. In this perception, he asked to “take a walk” where we talked about both of our thoughts on the matter, apologies and explanations were exchanged on both sides, and then we went back to work. The other experience was with a girl, I’ve tried my hardest to be a good friend to her, and for some reason she keeps her distance to texting… never allowing me to invite her to anything, regardless of the context (hanging out or a date). She would rather sit at home and be bored than try and go out and do something fun with me, and it seems that to an extent, I’m one of the only guys she knows that has been asking her to do things.

The difference between these two situations is thus: The ability to communicate ones thoughts and feelings.

Though, there may have been some discomfort with my co-worker confronting me, I felt I understood better, things that were expected and required of me as a person and a boss. I really like to understand things, concepts, and people. On the other hand with my ‘friend’ who keeps me at texts length, I don’t understand her. She shares things like goals with me, but she won’t tell me how she really feels, the least she could do is be blunt and say something like “Jared, I really don’t like hanging out with you. I find you kind of creepy.” Though the words may sting… at least I would know that I should just spend my time elsewhere, focusing on people who really want to work on a friendship.

I do have to say that I’m not perfect at accomplishing this myself… but I don’t necessarily think I’m a hypocrite. I had an experience the other day, where I was in a car with two girls that I really didn’t know; who spent more time talking to each other than trying to make me feel welcome to an area I was uncomfortable and unfamiliar with. We were out visiting people who I know, hold close, and call my friends… where as these girls didn’t know them. One of the girls was adamant that she was going to lead this expedition, and basically shot down the majority of what I had to contribute (like names people prefer to go by). I became angry halfway through our little expedition (I was already very tired, this didn’t help). Right before we got back to our rendezvous point one of the girls started asking me personal questions like if I had a “special girl” in my life. At this point, I blew up, and spewed all of the negative feelings back at them, stating that I had some of the worst luck with dating (which I don’t necessarily consider fact), I was a little forward with how I addressed them and I hoped (and succeeded) at making them feel just a little uncomfortable. I think I left a pretty bad first impression. What I should have done was say something like “I really don’t feel comfortable talking about this with you guys. You haven’t trusted me enough to listen to what I have to say about the people I’ve spent the last 4 years of my life with. Why should I share and entrust with you portions of personal information, when you can’t trust me to share simple information about people I care about?” I believe that this sounds a little rude, and forward, but it makes the point of how I feel, and leaves, I think, a less bitter taste. I would hope that the impact of these words would cause the person to stop and think about their actions and either become offended and choose to ignore what I’ve said, or they can choose to take action, and change portions of themselves to be a better, more pleasant person.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand why people find it so scary to share their feelings… like someone is going to try and throttle them if they share the wrong thing. We’re all people, we all have them (feelings), and if we don’t share them with others… progression becomes slow, for everyone.

I think I’m going to try and work on my ability to convey my feelings to people. There may be immediate discomfort… but the comfort of knowledge and understanding that I can take with me later on in life far outweigh the immediate discomfort I may feel now.

Last update: 13-08-2010 04:29

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Addiction and Fear

By Jared Broderick, on 15-07-2009 18:33

Views : 1413    

I find that I have an “Addictive Personality”. The term itself is funny to me, as it sounds as if people are prone to become addicted to my personality… thus wanting to be around me all the time. However, I know it really means that I get addicted easily to things. As a young boy, I was addicted to television. I was actually willing to give up my time with my friends to watch all of my favorite shows. As a teenager and even a young college student, I was addicted to video games and the Internet. Now, I find myself addicted to my love interests.

Moderation in all things is what I’ve been taught my whole life, and because of this, I have sought for, and in some instances, found ways to curb my desires for most of these addictions. I no longer watch television, if the TV is on I’m most likely watching a movie, instead of hours of endless sitcoms. Time given to my friends and family has become #1 on the list of importance. Though, I work with the Internet on a daily basis as part of my job, I have found that real people are much more satisfying to be around… so I give my time to them instead. Video games are fun, but again, real people are much more desirable. But when it comes to the person I love, I’m like a heroin addict. When I am not graced by her presence, I am like the heroin addict without his heroin, going through withdrawals, hungry for the time and feelings that I’ve come to know, love, expect, and crave. The deeper the relationship becomes, the greater the addiction and cravings. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve never used drugs, and I’m not a violent person (I would never force anyone to do anything they wouldn’t want to do)… but the desire to just be around the one I love is that strong… all the time.

I know that obsessing like this isn’t healthy… nor is trying to be with a person 24/7. I find that it’s easier to keep a person around for longer periods of time, when I’m not around them 100% of the time… that way they don’t get sick of me… regardless of whether I actually get sick of them. I’ve already driven off one girlfriend due, at least in part, to “smothering” her with attention. Having done this, I’ve been working on my addiction and making it so I don’t appear so needy. Because It’s not that I’m clingy or needy… just truly addicted. As with any addiction, there are withdrawal symptoms… and in this case the symptom is fear. Fear that I stand a chance of losing someone whom I feel extremely close to, whom I can share anything and everything with. All due to a lack, or over application (either or), of attention.

I don’t know where exactly this feeling or thought comes from. Whether it be some odd and unknown past happening, or whether it is instilled into my very being, or if there is another being/entity out there that is filling me with it. It could just be that I haven’t had any relationship work yet, and I just really want this one to. Why would I be a part of something I didn’t want to work?

I do know though, that fear is lack of faith, which can be ultra destructive to me, and in this case, to my relationship. It is destructive to me, because I feel less confident in what I am capable of, which makes me something I really am not. This in turn hurts my image with the one I love… which in turn drives them away.

Maybe the best way to deal with an addiction is not necessarily find a better alternative… but rather to have greater faith in one’s self and the people around them. I have not been given any reason to fear other than the unseen, unspoken possibility, that things may not turn out the way I want them. The pain that accompanies that thought is one that is hard to bare, but not impossible. This brings me to make a resolve, to have greater faith in myself and my capabilities and in those around me, and their capabilities. In doing so, I may solve many more problems than I would ever create otherwise.


Last update: 13-08-2010 04:33

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Looking for Change

By Jared Broderick, on 17-12-2008 22:41

Views : 1510    

A wise man (or woman) once said that “the only constant thing in life is change.” Another wise person once said that “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Even our President elect Obama has said that it is time for a change, though, if you think about it, every presidential candidate campaigns for change at some point. The call for change seems to be constant in the world. Everyone wants change, to some degree or another. Some people are willing to work hard for that change, while others are lazy, or don’t know how to work for the change they need or want. For some, change comes easy, yet for others, it is the greatest of struggles. Often when change happens, people are surprised, astounded, impressed, depressed, confused, satisfied, angry, excited, happy, anxious, frustrated, etc. There is no real deep description of change that any one person can give, except that something is, or was, or will be different.

Currently, I am looking for a change. A change in job, pay, location, energy, strength, status, and to my relationships… and I’ve done all I can, to a degree. Can I do more? Probably. Is it easy to do more? Definitely not. Richard G. Scott once asked the question “When was anything really worthwhile easy?” This question implies that making change is worthwhile, because it’s hard. Often I feel that change is easier if there is at least one other person involved… and in fact, I stand by that thought.

Recently, I’ve had a change in calling at church, as I’ve been released from the Elders Quorum Presidency, and I haven’t been given a new calling. In addition the new president has no councilors… I’m hoping and praying that I don’t get called to the new presidency, giving someone else a chance would be a good thing. But, if I’m asked I’ll do. In the “I’m graduating in May so I need a new job” department, I’m trying to be very pro-active on finding a new job after I graduate. I would really like a job somewhere in the entertainment industry, preferably in video games, as I follow the business of that particular industry rather closely. I’ve applied to a position at Blizzard and have left my resume with Ubisoft and Valve. Valve actually got back to me the day after I applied, telling me that I wasn’t a good match for their team. I think it’s because I’m not a programmer, as that’s what they are mostly looking for. Maybe I’ll apply to another university. Though; I don’t want to get roped into working in the field of education for the rest of my life. I would like to at least get some experience in the business world, if that’s possible, we’ll see.

Last update: 13-08-2010 04:32

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All sensible people are selfish, and nature is tugging at every contract to make the terms of it fair.

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